Tag: family

Of Grief, Loss and What If’s…

Sixteen months have gone by since my mom left us. They say you feel the presence of your loved ones once they’re gone. Honestly, what I feel is her absence. A lot of it, actually – during the good days, the bad days and everything in between. She was my go-to person for everything, good or bad. As someone who is extremely uncomfortable expressing feelings, I never really needed to express anything to her because somehow she just knew exactly what I was feeling. And now with her gone, it feels like a part of me is just forever lost.

I wish I could erase June 2025 from my memory.

We were in the middle of packing up a decade and a half’s worth of memories and our entire life for our big move to the other side of the world. Little did I know that the house and life we had built in a city we absolutely loved, weren’t the only things I was going to say goodbye to. Just 15 hours after all of our stuff was loaded onto a shipping container, I received that horrible phone call telling me that my mom was no more.

I was so caught up with the move that my last call with my mom was precisely 30-second long where she told me she wasn’t feeling great and that she’ll talk to me the next morning. She almost always did a video call, even if it was just for a quick question. But for some reason, that day she made an audio call. She was hospitalized a few hours later and within a day and half, she was gone. I never got to see her again or have that one last proper conversation with her.

Within hours of getting the news of her passing, I was on my way to India. Just like that, I was leaving behind our first house, the city my children called their home and a place where we had built our life and created some of our happiest memories. There was no time to say goodbye to our friends or even process the fact that the big move was already underway.

Even harder to process was the fact that I was returning to a home without mom.

All these years, going to India always meant being able to see mom. She couldn’t travel to LA so my annual trips were primarily to spend time with her. In fact, my move to India was largely for her, and to be closer to her because seeing her just once a year didn’t seem nearly enough.

Ever since my childhood, she had been the one constant in my life. Even when she wasn’t physically around, she was always just a phone call away. Every morning after school drop-offs, I would video call her, and she would be right there waiting for my call with a big smile. She was very much a part of my daily routine, even thousands of miles away.

And it’s true, moms just know everything. The way I said hello was all it took for her to know how I was feeling – happy, sad, angry, sick – all of it!  Heck, she even knew I was pregnant both times even before I told her or anyone else.

Over the past year, I have realized that grief is like an unexpected guest. It stops by unannounced, without any warning. It creeps up on you out of nowhere – randomly in the middle of a perfectly fine day or during a happy celebration or midway through a book. I have also realized that while time does help heal a bit,the grief doesn’t necessarily decrease or simply go away. You just learn to live around it and with it, while life ruthlessly moves on.

There are days when it’s difficult to ignore, and those are the days I just can’t stop thinking about what it would have been like to be finally living in the same city as her. All of the things we couldn’t stop talking about in the months leading up to the move.

She wanted to celebrate her and dad’s 50th wedding anniversary that December. She was excited about me coming over for sleepovers with the boys. She was looking forward to spending more time with the boys and most importantly, making up for the lost time from the 14 years I had been away.

And I was looking forward to finally taking care of her. Being there for her. Having my kids get to know her better and experience her love up close. And just being able to simply see her whenever I wanted to.

All of that now just lives in the unfulfilled “what if” part of my head.

Dear ma, sixteen months later, I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and tell you the random details of my day or just listen to all the advice you always had that I would totally ignore. It’s not that I haven’t accepted that you’re gone but it’s just that on some days I just need my mom. No matter how old I grow, there will always be a part of me that will long for you. Rest easy, ma. Until we meet again!

To All the Cities I’ve Lived in Before!

It’s true, when you move out of a city, you carry a little piece of it with you. The people, the experiences, the memories – all get packed along with the physical stuff and get stowed away in a precious little corner of your heart, forever. I’ve been lucky to have called three beautiful cities my home outside of my hometown. Each one represents a unique phase of my life and a relationship with the city that I’ll never forget! This is my homage to these cities, inspired by the famous Netflix series, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.

The First Love: Mumbai

It makes sense to begin from the beginning and talk about my first love. And like all first loves, this one will always be special. The city that gave wings to my dreams and the first taste of freedom, where I learned the meaning of friendship, love, heartbreak, success, and failure.

Every day, thousands of people move to Mumbai with dreams and hopes. I sure was no different. However, brutal as the city can be, in my first week itself, I saw torrential rains, communal riots and the ghastly local train bombings. That was my welcome to the maximum city. The following week everything went back to normal, teaching me that the city doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. What followed that tumultuous first week were three wonderful years where I found friends for life, a foundation for my career and important life lessons as most first relationships do.

Thanks to my dad’s generosity, I got to live in a sea-facing apartment in Bandra’s Reclamation area. I was meant to share it with a roommate from Ahmedabad who decided to never show up for an entire year but continued paying her share of the rent. So, I got this beautiful apartment all to myself at half the rent! It became our default crash pad for late-night musings, wild parties, and everything in between. This apartment was an integral part of my life in Mumbai.

First loves are all about the new experiences and that feeling of being in love for the first time. I was enamored by the world of news media. Staying in the office for 40-hour shifts to get an episode out on time, interviewing people you only once saw on the big screen, being introduced to the tapri chai and media lingo aka swear words, and getting the front row seat to witnessing the harsh realities of journalism in India (it may or may not be directly related to a certain Mr. Goswami screaming from one corner of the office to the other) – it was all so exhilarating. Being part of a newsroom during the Mumbai terrorist attacks, the hustle to get a job and the everyday resilience of surviving in a city like Mumbai threw this naïve and sheltered Gujju girl into the deep end and changed her for good.

The most treasured thing this city gave me was friendship. We met as just-out-of-school kids, navigated job hunts and early careers side by side, and stood by each other through relationships, heartbreaks, and life’s biggest milestones. This year marks two decades of friendship that didn’t taper away or get paused even when I was on the other side of the world!

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The Fun Fling: New York

Next stop, New York! Imagine Mumbai, but just bigger and better. There was no way I wouldn’t have loved New York. When I moved to NYC to pursue my Masters at New York University, I was already engaged to Munish but he was in Arizona then. New York was that perfect fling without any commitment and responsibilities. Looking back, I feel like I was there just to have fun. The big city came with its own big challenges. It was the first time I was living outside of India. Finding a place to live, figuring out university processes, and navigating the city was all so new to me. However, some of my friends and family from Ahmedabad were already living and working in New Jersey so I had this great support system who was around to help out. Two of my friends ended up being my roommates and that entire year felt like a long and never-ending party.

Walking in the chilling Manhattan wind to and from my classes in the middle of winter, catching the packed subway trains, working and learning alongside some of the finest brains in PR, witnessing the beauty of the city during the Holidays, partying till early hours of the morning and gradually bidding adieu to my singlehood, New York set up the perfect stage for the next chapter of my life.

As any fling, it was great while it lasted. I left with friends from all over the world. It hardened me as a professional (the New York way) and offered the best work opportunities to kickstart my career in this new country that was now my home. What more can you ask of a fling anyway? 

The Forever Love: Los Angeles/Redondo Beach

I consider myself extremely lucky to have called some of the best places in the world my home. While LA and I may have parted ways now, it will always be my forever love, the kind that teaches you patience, softens your edges, and stays through everything. It gave me space to truly come into my own.

Munish and I were finally together in the same city after years of long distance. This is where we created a home, welcomed our boys, built our careers and lived out the life we had once imagined. We ticked off the big life milestones in this city with its towering palm trees, the beautiful weather and the gorgeous sunsets in the backdrop! After the super-fast life in Mumbai and New York, LA offered the right pace, the stability and the calm that we were ready for in this new phase of our life.

But forever love, as it turns out, isn’t just about the beautiful moments. It’s about what holds when things fall apart. We saw some of the hardest and happiest days of our lives in this city. There were times when everything felt uncertain, when jobs didn’t work out, when visas dictated our sense of stability, but we weathered it all and came out stronger. That’s how we evolved in this city. We learned everything as we went. And while they say it takes a village to raise a kid, in the case of our boys, we did it all by ourselves. Even if we were often scrambling and struggling, I am really proud of how we managed to raise our boys, build a career, run a household, and create our little family, thousands of miles away from our own family.

And then there were the people. The best thing about living away from home is that you get to choose who becomes your family. We were lucky to have friends who were on this adulting journey with us. All of us became parents together, bought our first homes together, and navigated life away from home together. This chosen family will always be our home!

Professionally too, this city shaped me in ways I hadn’t expected. I will forever be grateful to my “work sisters” who saw me for my talent and not my accent. You don’t find many brown people, especially immigrants, working in public relations in the US. I am so fortunate to have worked with clients and colleagues who not only welcomed the diversity I brought but helped me grow my practice with their generous referrals.

LA didn’t just give us milestones; it gave us perspective. It showed that happiness lies in the little things. Sunsets by the beach, Saturday morning coffee runs, Sunday grocery shopping with the boys, morning school drop-offs jamming to music and video calling my mom on the way back, picnics at the park, Armaan’s weekend games, and so many other everyday things that made LA home for us.

That’s the thing about a forever love. It doesn’t need to be loud to be lasting. It’s built in the quiet, in the chaos, in the everyday. LA will always be that for me. Not just a place I lived in, but a place that became a part of who I am.

And maybe that’s the thing about cities — they don’t really leave you. They just become different versions of the person you’ve been. Mumbai taught me how to begin. New York taught me how to explore. Los Angeles taught me how to stay. And now, as I begin all over again, I carry all three with me.